This day in history.. 7 years ago..

Seven years ago this evening, Rebekah and I went out for the first time. Now, I'm not going to go into detail about what happened that night, but let's just say that I look at the first three and a half years to be a good time in my life.. It was the last two years that seemed a bit odd. Now, I sit here trying to figure out what happened.. Who's to blame? Why did it go sour? I guess it's time to examine the charred, dusty remains.

First of all, as I found out later, my mom and sister both thought she was a nice person, but had no personality. As it was confirmed by some other friends of mine. I had to think about all of the times we were in "Social settings" and what happened.

During my time working with a theater company we went to many an after-show or cast party. I would tell her that she could talk to anybody she wanted. I would keep an eye out for her, and try to make sure she was having some sort of fun. I would see her, sitting in the corner with a blank expression. I knew I was in trouble. It was a sign of impending doom.

She would have discussions with me, in her head mind you, and that I would go with her decisions.. (Anyone who knows me knows that I am VERY opinionated, and that I will take the tack I'm going to. It is a character flaw that I have had since I was a child..) In her mind, she convinced me NOT to become Orthodox.. In her mind, I became less outgoing and more into doing things that don't relate to music, sports, or thinking. I would become a milquetoast pillock who never left the house except to go to work, and church.

In the beginning, she went everywhere with me. Hockey games, gigs, hell even to a couple of bars.. (One of her endearing qualities was that she was not against having a drink or two with me, and her favorite beer was Yuengling.) Behind closed doors, we were passionate.. (I knew that when she stopped wanting to hold my hand that something was seriously wrong.)

She was never happy with her jobs after she was downsized from the company she first started out with. She could never find happiness in anything work related. She is now in Grad school, and something tells me that she's not going to find happiness after the "work honeymoon is over."

One friend told me that you never completely get over someone that you have completely. I have found that is true. I haven't gotten over her completely. I probably never will. It's been over 18 months since the breakup, and over a year since we last spoke to each other face to face.

I have asked myself if I'm going to be alone for the rest of time. I know that I have God's love. I don't doubt that God has a plan for me.. I know that if God wants me to have a companion, he would do it in such a way that the sign would hit me square in the head. I also wonder why I have set myself up for so much heartache in the past 18 years. Do I trust to easy? Do I seek out just the wrong type of women? I don't know. All I do know is that it's not easy driving a bus with no passengers. (There are no adventures, and the gas prices are KILLING me.. I want a solar-powered bus next time.) I looked in the "self-help" section of Barnes & Noble's yesterday, and I just haven't found the right book to help me repair the damages to my heart.

~R