Turning the corner..

After watching the original "Fever Pitch," I have come to the realization that I need repaired.. Not minor repairs, mind you, but major major overhauls.. I don't know how it got this way.. If I did, oh well, I really couldn't do much to change it, now could I?? I have way too much crap that was given to my by my mum, who was a but of a pack-rat herself, and was given stuff via my mum from my grandmother, who was also a HUGE pack-rat. (It's bloody genetic, I tell you..)

Since I had to move in 2005, I have had two MAJOR bouts of depression that I can think of.. The first was sometime between October 2005 and September 2006. I couldn't cope with the fact that I had made a HUGE blunder (should read: I had no flaming clue what I was doing) when I moved to the North Side.. I had no idea what I had to do, no idea what I needed, but of course I too much of an obstinate git to do things like ask for help, sit down and come up with a plan, think.. I think that I wanted to prove to my sibling and my mum that I had the wherewithal to actually make it on my own, after having to take care of her.. I couldn't take care of myself.. I guess that's still my problem.. I'm too easily hung up on what the next day's challenges are.. (Get up, get bus.. get to work, yell at kids, rip on the Crapitals, go to rehearsal, play like crap.. go to bed, repeat ad nauseam) One person even told me I should give up playing the horn and just become another beat down old hack..

My dream in college was not to teach, not to play trombone, but conduct.. I studied composers like Bach, Mahler, Shostakovich, Beethoven and Tchaikovsky. I worked on my technique for hours upon hours end.. I didn't want to just be a part of the music, I wanted to be the one who gave it life, gave it meaning.. When I listened to Mahler's 3rd for the first time, I can't tell you how much I was weeping during it.. There was so much tenderness and character about it.. A warmth that I couldn't describe, I felt like there was nothing else that could make me feel that warm and fuzzy.. (Stop laughing Fr. T..)

So now, I embark on another phase in my life.. I have questions that need answered, desires that I'd like met, feelings I'd like to share. I know that is all apart of the healing process, and in time those wounds that have been open for some time, will close.

BUT

If you (and that does mean any of you) have any suggestions or if you want to help.. Don't expect me to ask, as I mentioned above, I am a stupid, obnoxiously stubborn git who never asks for help.. If you think I need help, and yes I do need it an will want it, do me a favor and show up at the door and ask me if I'm doing O.K.. Or if I need help in doing something, or if you just want to go for a walk on a cold day down by the Mon for a chat.. Just don't expect me to go to State College.. (Unless the Winter Classic is being played there, then I call shotgun!)

~R